Falsettos

[WHIZZER, spoken] A day in Falsettoland Dr. Mendel at work [MENDEL] I don't get it I don't understand In the '60s, everyone had heart In the '60s, we were all a part of the same team In the '60s, we had a new world to start Could this– Oh God, don't...

[JASON] This is how you make a marriage proposal [MENDEL] I love you, dear I think you're swell You're never near me close enough to tell If I'm delightful or not I crave your wrist I praise your thigh There's not a guy There's not a piece of paper...

[JASON] Hello, God I don't think we've ever really spoken If you'd kindly allow How about a miracle now? I don't know if you exist I can't hear your fingers snappin' Are you just a big psychiatrist? Or, can you make things not happen? Do this for me...

[TRINA] Jason, if you want a Bar Mitzvah God knows, you can have a Bar Mitzvah But I have to know And I have to know now Just what it is you want I've addressed the invitations Here's your chance to give me Hell If you think it's bust Then it's probab...

[WHIZZER] Good morning [MARVIN] Whizzer, kid, you're looking very good today You had to see yourself a few days back I had a heart attack! Jesus But today you seem to be On the way to recovery! Oh Whizzer, I want to applaud! It's days like this I al...

[MENDEL] Jason I am agitato grande Jason, I am muy disgutante And muy disappointe And muy nauseatus And me mitzraim Hotzionoo Dayenu Everyone hates his parents Don't be ashamed You'll grow up You'll come through You'll have kids And they'll hate...

[MENDEL] Homosexuals Women with children Short insomniacs We're a teeny tiny band Lovers come and lovers go Lovers live and die fortissimo This is where we take a stand Welcome to Falsettoland 

[MENDEL] Homosexuals Women with children Short insomniacs And a teeny tiny band Come, back in The welcome mat is on the floor Let's, begin This story needs an ending A homosexual Father with children One bar mitzvah that Is scrupulously planned...

[JASON] My father says that love Is the most beautiful thing in the world I think girls are I think girls are the most Beautiful thing Not love [MARVIN] Kid, be my son What I've done to you is rotten Say, I was scared I kept marching in one place...

[FOUR MEN] Four Jews in a room bitching; Four Jews in a room plot a crime I'm bitching. He's bitching They're bitching. We're bitching Bitch bitch bitch bitch Funny funny funny funny Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch All the time [MENDEL (MARVIN,...

[TRINA] I was sure growing up I would live the life My mother assumed I'd live Very Jewish, very middle-class, and very straight Where healthy men stayed healthy men And marriages were long and great I smile, I don't complain I'm trying to keep sane as...

[TRINA] I never wanted to love you I only wanted to love and not be blamed Let me go, you should know I'm not ashamed To have loved you [MENDEL] I loved you more than I meant to In my profession, one's love stays unexpressed Here we stand, take my ha...

[TRINA] I'd like to be a princess on a throne To have a country I can call my own And a king Who's lusty and requires a fling With a female thing Great, men will be men Let me turn on the gas I caught them in the den with Marvin grabbing Whizzer's as...

[JASON] Whizzer, hey! Suddenly it all came clear: I said, let's have my bar mitzvah here! [MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, JASON, CHARLOTTE, CORDELIA] Surprise! [MARVIN] This was Jason's brilliant idea! And I brought the prayer shawl [MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL,...

[JASON] Mr. Mendel I get apoplexy thinking of my father I resemble him in far too many ways His sad demeanor The way he acts the swine At least his room is cleaner than mine Is it fatal? Do you see real similarities between us? He and Whizzer...

[MENDEL] Sit down, my dear I hear you have a problem I'm sure you're not disgusting or indiscreet Take a load off your feet [TRINA] Thank you [MENDEL] Happy or sad? [TRINA] Well, I -- [MENDEL] That's a question with no answer Let's not discuss...

[MENDEL & TRINA] Welcome to our humble place We're concerned with setting a tone With filling the space Making a home [MENDEL] She becomes a happy wife [TRINA] He decides the role to assume Building a life [MENDEL] Shaping a room [MENDEL &a...

[MARVIN, WHIZZER, JASON, AND MENDEL] March. March March of the Falsettos March of the Falsettos Whee! Who is Man enough to march to March of the Falsettos? [MARVIN] C'mere [MARVIN, WHIZZER, JASON, AND MENDEL] One foot Following the other Teach i...

[JASON] My father says that love Is the most beautiful thing in the world I think games are I think chess is the most Beautiful thing Not love [WHIZZER] Marvin at the Psychiatrist, a three-part mini opera Part One: [MENDEL] Do you love him? [MAR...

[MARVIN] Hello, Trina, thank you for sending this Goodness, Trina, I am relieved Frankly, Trina, nice of you sending this Thank you, Trina, I have received Your new-sent wedding invitations! They are [MARVIN, WHIZZER, MENDEL, & JASON] Pseudo-roman...

[JASON] Dot Nardoni, Tiffany Axelrod Zoe Feinstein, Angelina Dellibovi Bunny Doyne, or what's her name Mo Cristofaro And Ellie Mazie Rosenthal's really well built When Heather Levin stares at me Why do I wilt? I like when Julie Johnson Does splits in...

[WHIZZER] It bounced in [MARVIN] No, it didn't [WHIZZER] Hit the line, you know it did [MARVIN] Just begin [WHIZZER] Are you kidding? Who's telling who how to play? [MARVIN] Let me live, please forgive Me for winning one game [WHIZZER] Ser...

[JASON] My father's a homo My mother's not thrilled at all Father homo: What about chromosomes? Do they carry? Will they carry? Who's the homo now? My father said that one day I'll grow up to be president And that idea's not so wild I don't live the...

[MENDEL, spoken] Hello? [TRINA] Dr. Mendel, please [MENDEL] This is Mendel Weisenbachfeld [TRINA] Dr. Mendel, vis-a-vis what Marvin did Or rather, hasn't done [MENDEL] Trina, how are you? [TRINA] You must exorcise a devil 'Cause it inhabits M...

[CHARLOTTE] People might think I'm very dyke-ish I make a big stink when I must, but goddamn I'm just professional, never too nonchalant If I'm a bitch, well, I am what I am! Just call me 'Doc', don't call me 'lady' I don't like to talk when I'm losing...

[DR. CHARLOTTE] Something bad is happening Something very bad is happening Something that kills Something infectious Something that spreads From one man to another 

[MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE, CORDELIA] We’re sitting And watching Jason play baseball We’re watching Jason play baseball! We’re watching Jewish boys Who cannot play baseball, play baseball! We’re watching Jewish boys Who cannot play baseball play-...

[MARVIN] That's the king. Treat him nice Use some brains; now protect him [WHIZZER] Yes, I know. Here I go [MARVIN] Play the game [WHIZZER] Please, don't watch me I can do it! [MARVIN] Have a little scotch [WHIZZER] Shit, I blew it Maybe you...

[JASON] Just look at me I'm a world-class traveler Each Friday night Travel travel travel From her house to his house First take the 104 With my computer I am just a little kid Not a commuter And each Sunday night Mother comes to get me And I hear...

[WHIZZER] I don't look for trouble I do not accept blame I've a good and a bad side But they're one and the same Ask me to arouse you I will rise and obey These are the games I play I screw every morning Then bathe and drink tea I been playing canas...

[WHIZZER] Hang up all your clothes [MARVIN] Whizzer begs [WHIZZER] Whizzer knows [MARVIN] Shave your legs [WHIZZER] Make me sick [MARVIN] You're a prick [WHIZZER] God you're impossible We've been together for nine months [MARVIN] Ten mon...

[WHIZZER] Late for dinner, late again [WHIZZER & TRINA] Late for dinner, late again [WHIZZER, MARVIN, JASON, & TRINA] Late for dinner, late again Late for dinner, late, late, late, late Late for dinner, late again Late for dinner, late again...

[MARVIN] Well, the situation's this I do not wish to offend I divorced my wife I left my child And I ran off with a friend But I want a tight-knit family I want a group that harmonizes I want my wife and kid and friend To pretend Time will mend Our...

[MARVIN] Well, the situation's this; I don't want to cause a stink I divorced my wife She dried her eyes Then she ran off with my shrink But I want a tight-knit family I want a wife who knows what love is Maybe she does, I'm too damn peeved Sel...

[TRINA] I'm tired of all the happy men who rule the world They grow—of that I'm sure They grow—but don't mature I'd like the chance to hide in that world I'm listening To these men who aren't quite men yet But aren't boys Make noise And throw their k...

[TRINA] Please forgive my former shpieling— It does not concern the man As for doubts that I've been feeling I'll ignore them when I can And the things that I must do I'll do to make this all succeed I'll commit, that's agreed And with wit and precisio...

[The lights rise on MARVIN and WHIZZER in bed. Slats of morning light cover the designer sheets. Above their heads is a Mapplethorpe of a calla lily. MARVIN is wearing a white T-shirt; WHIZZER is wearing nothing. During the whole song, MARVIN barely moves. WHI...

[MARVIN] What would I do If I had not met you? Who would I blame my life on? Once I was told That all men get what they deserve Who the hell then threw this curve? There are no answers But who would I be If you had not been my friend? You're the onl...

[JASON] Baruch, baruch atah Baruch atah Adonai Baruch atah Adonai eloheinu Melech haolam Asher kidshanu, asher kidshanu V'tzivanu l'hitateif batzitzit [TRINA] Jason dear, hello Are you packed and waiting? But before we go Let me speak with father a...

[WHIZZER] Okay— When the doctor started using phrases like "You'll pass away" What could I say? I said Doctor In plain English Tell me why was I chosen Why me of all men? Doctor, here's the good part At least death means I'll never be scared about d...