Dane Cook piosenki

One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little, I've always wanted to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah sometimes, I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light (UFO noise) AHHHHHH. That's how they suck you up, by a beam...

Had to use a public restroom today... ugh. Isn't that the worst when you have to? Godamnit... you j walk in, right. Here's the first thing, I don't care. Anywhere in the country you go, why when you walk into a public restroom. Why is everything fucking we...

We love car accidents in this country. We're obsessed with car accidents! I know your like me, it's like 2 in the morning, it's dead quiet. Your in you're house watching tv, your in bed. All of a sudden outside at the corner you hear. SCREECH Damnit! Shi...

You know what I hate, the one thing I hated growing up. I hated being tickled. Tickling's the worst. Cuz it started out fun. Right? "Tickling, lets tickle! ' started fun ended horribly. Didn't it always escalade the same way first you would be like "Hahah...

When I was a little kid I thought I wanted to be a fireman. I think a lot of guys- Did you wanna be a fireman when You were a little kid? People ask you... What do you want to be? I wanna be a FIREMAN! I didn't really wanna be a fireman. I thought I did. I...

When I was a little kid, I had- I shared everything I had. I had one brother alright one brother, five sisters. Dude, I had to wear a tampon just to fit in. I swear to god. Brutal. They used to dress me in their clothes and shit. You know what I mean? Send...

When did you run away? How is it far from here? Only look back when the future's not so clear. Wandering around a room Everythings in it's space. I'm the only thing that doesn't fit in this place. Who am I supposed to be? Falling while I'm standing sti...

I've been swearing a lot lately. Ever go through those modes where you just can't help but swear All the time? Fuck is like the best word ever. It really is. It's perfect. It's just FUCK. I's cuz it's got the ffff and the uh and the CA!... Fu-ca! When so...

You always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right. Right. And if you've got a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sasoon All of a sudden. We got like scrunchies, banana clips comin out of nowhere. Hairspray *SSS* Good. Good. Front row seat...

You are the one everyone wants to be I am the one they say, "I'm glad that's not me." When I go to sleep, I dream about you When you go to sleep, I bet you dream about you, too Your life is filled with good times and cool clothes My life stands still, just wa...

My friends took me out the other night. They were like "Dude we gotta go out man. Let's go." I was like, "I don't wanna go out." "Come on dude. Let's go get some chicks!" Yea? Just like that? What about that whole middle ground where you're an IDIOT!" "N...

There are some things I have learned in my recent past That I'm excited to share with you tonight And one thing I've realized is that we all want to leave Behind a legacy We all want to be remembered for something And then I was thinking going, how can I...

I'll tell you what dream used to scare me when I was a little kid Used to actually totally give me nightmares: Remember those kool-aid commercials? Where that, no, that talking bowl of punch He would come crashing through your fuckin' wall in your living r...

Uh... OOh. You're gonna have a little baby? Oh you're pretty far a long there. What ah how long? You wanna have him right now? Can we force it or Something? You think he can hear me right now? You know like some people put music on there you. I mean like...

If you shaved your beard, and put on a dress, you'd be a great female impersonator And if you win this contest, we will have failed Don't mean to be rude, but you look like the Hulk's wife Simon said Simon said The things that Simon said Simon, we can te...

We never had a pool, right, until one summer I remember my dad to make me happy, you know I was bummed out because I didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing it was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with water run across....

Am I the only person here who loves to watch a couple Together that hates each others guts? That has to be the most entertaining thing when you see Two people that just hate each other... together, And look we've all been there everybodys been in that Si...

I gotta tell you this, 'cause I always wanted to share This with a crowd. This is a story, it's a coming of age tale. And it's about the first time I ever got head. Come on along with me. I'll never forget this, I was 17 years old. And I took this girl...