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Miracle of Judaism

[JASON] Dot Nardoni, Tiffany Axelrod Zoe Feinstein, Angelina Dellibovi Bunny Doyne, or what's her name Mo Cristofaro And Ellie Mazie Rosenthal's really well built When Heather Levin stares at me Why do I wilt? I like when Julie Johnson Does splits in...

More Racquetball

[WHIZZER] It bounced in [MARVIN] No, it didn't [WHIZZER] Hit the line, you know it did [MARVIN] Just begin [WHIZZER] Are you kidding? Who's telling who how to play? [MARVIN] Let me live, please forgive Me for winning one game [WHIZZER] Ser...

My Father's a Homo/ Everyone Tells Jason to See a Psychiatrist

[JASON] My father's a homo My mother's not thrilled at all Father homo: What about chromosomes? Do they carry? Will they carry? Who's the homo now? My father said that one day I'll grow up to be president And that idea's not so wild I don't live the...

Please Come to Our House

[MENDEL, spoken] Hello? [TRINA] Dr. Mendel, please [MENDEL] This is Mendel Weisenbachfeld [TRINA] Dr. Mendel, vis-a-vis what Marvin did Or rather, hasn't done [MENDEL] Trina, how are you? [TRINA] You must exorcise a devil 'Cause it inhabits M...

Something Bad is Happening

[CHARLOTTE] People might think I'm very dyke-ish I make a big stink when I must, but goddamn I'm just professional, never too nonchalant If I'm a bitch, well, I am what I am! Just call me 'Doc', don't call me 'lady' I don't like to talk when I'm losing...

Something Bad Is Happening (Reprise)

[DR. CHARLOTTE] Something bad is happening Something very bad is happening Something that kills Something infectious Something that spreads From one man to another 

The Baseball Game

[MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE, CORDELIA] We’re sitting And watching Jason play baseball We’re watching Jason play baseball! We’re watching Jewish boys Who cannot play baseball, play baseball! We’re watching Jewish boys Who cannot play baseball play-...

The Chess Game

[MARVIN] That's the king. Treat him nice Use some brains; now protect him [WHIZZER] Yes, I know. Here I go [MARVIN] Play the game [WHIZZER] Please, don't watch me I can do it! [MARVIN] Have a little scotch [WHIZZER] Shit, I blew it Maybe you...

The Fight

[JASON] Just look at me I'm a world-class traveler Each Friday night Travel travel travel From her house to his house First take the 104 With my computer I am just a little kid Not a commuter And each Sunday night Mother comes to get me And I hear...

The Games I Play

[WHIZZER] I don't look for trouble I do not accept blame I've a good and a bad side But they're one and the same Ask me to arouse you I will rise and obey These are the games I play I screw every morning Then bathe and drink tea I been playing canas...

The Thrill of First Love

[WHIZZER] Hang up all your clothes [MARVIN] Whizzer begs [WHIZZER] Whizzer knows [MARVIN] Shave your legs [WHIZZER] Make me sick [MARVIN] You're a prick [WHIZZER] God you're impossible We've been together for nine months [MARVIN] Ten mon...

This Had Better Come to a Stop

[WHIZZER] Late for dinner, late again [WHIZZER & TRINA] Late for dinner, late again [WHIZZER, MARVIN, JASON, & TRINA] Late for dinner, late again Late for dinner, late, late, late, late Late for dinner, late again Late for dinner, late again...

Tight Knit Family

[MARVIN] Well, the situation's this I do not wish to offend I divorced my wife I left my child And I ran off with a friend But I want a tight-knit family I want a group that harmonizes I want my wife and kid and friend To pretend Time will mend Our...

Tight Knit Family (Reprise)

[MARVIN] Well, the situation's this; I don't want to cause a stink I divorced my wife She dried her eyes Then she ran off with my shrink But I want a tight-knit family I want a wife who knows what love is Maybe she does, I'm too damn peeved Sel...

Trina's Song

[TRINA] I'm tired of all the happy men who rule the world They grow—of that I'm sure They grow—but don't mature I'd like the chance to hide in that world I'm listening To these men who aren't quite men yet But aren't boys Make noise And throw their k...

Trina's Song (Reprise)

[TRINA] Please forgive my former shpieling— It does not concern the man As for doubts that I've been feeling I'll ignore them when I can And the things that I must do I'll do to make this all succeed I'll commit, that's agreed And with wit and precisio...

What More Can I Say?

[The lights rise on MARVIN and WHIZZER in bed. Slats of morning light cover the designer sheets. Above their heads is a Mapplethorpe of a calla lily. MARVIN is wearing a white T-shirt; WHIZZER is wearing nothing. During the whole song, MARVIN barely moves. WHI...

What Would I Do?

[MARVIN] What would I do If I had not met you? Who would I blame my life on? Once I was told That all men get what they deserve Who the hell then threw this curve? There are no answers But who would I be If you had not been my friend? You're the onl...

Year of the Child

[JASON] Baruch, baruch atah Baruch atah Adonai Baruch atah Adonai eloheinu Melech haolam Asher kidshanu, asher kidshanu V'tzivanu l'hitateif batzitzit [TRINA] Jason dear, hello Are you packed and waiting? But before we go Let me speak with father a...

You Gotta Die Sometime

[WHIZZER] Okay— When the doctor started using phrases like "You'll pass away" What could I say? I said Doctor In plain English Tell me why was I chosen Why me of all men? Doctor, here's the good part At least death means I'll never be scared about d...