Evil Dead

ANNIE All the men in my life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons ASH All the men in your life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons. ANNIE First there was Ed, a really nice guy. Didn’t talk too much but I didn’t mind. I was all set to marry hi...

Ed: I'm that guy you see in every horror flick. You may not remember me, I come and go too quick. You wouldn't know my name, I hardly ever speak a line. If the hero kills a hundred demons, I'd be the forgettable number thirty nine. 'Cuz I'm a bit par...

ASH "So, do you screw-heads believe I can save you from Candarian demons now?" MALE #1 Well we thought you were fucking with us MALE #2 We thought you were a lying prick MALE #3 Yeah yeah, yeah yeah FEMALE #1 All that jive about you killing demons...

VOICE: Legend has it that it was written by the dark ones. Necranomicon Exmortis, roughly translated, Book of the Dead. The book served as a passage way to the evil worlds beyond. It was written long ago when the seas ran red with blood. It was this b...

Ash, Cheryl, I’m really getting tired of you trying to kill me… You see this? This is my boomstick! It’s a 12 gage, double barrel, brimington. S-Marts top of the line! You can find this in the sporting goods department! That’s right, this sweet baby w...

ALL: We're all jammed in the car And we're going really far Driving deep into the trees With hod dogs, chips and cheese To make the week go quicker We've packed a ton of liquor Rye and Tropicana We'll go totally BANANAS! Spring break vacation is ju...

SCOTT Ash, death is a bitch... A stupid bitch... 

CHERYL Now we honor the Necronomicon FEMALE CANDARIAN DEMONS Now we honor the Necronomicon ALL CANDARIAN DEMONS Now we honor the Necronomicon Now we honor the Necronomicon LEAD Now we honor the Necronomicon With our very own special dance ASH Ho...

Cheryl, I’ll get you, Ash! I’m like a literal Hulk Hogan, I’ll get you brother! Ash, Shut-up! Cheryl, We’re like that Columbia house, ten CD’s for a penny club. Sooner or later, you’ll join us! Ash, Shut-up! Cheryl, I’m like Dom DeLuise at all you...

TREES: Join us... Join us... CHERYL: Hello...? TREES: Join us... Join us... CHERYL: Now, mother always said, that whever you hear a strange, frightening, and patentally life threatening chant coming from the dark woods.. that there's only one t...

JAKE: Who’s the world’s most reliable human being Who’s the one folks call for help with everything Who’s the one man you can count on when your life is at stake It’s good old reliable Jake Who can help you when you’ve lost your keys Or when you need do...

Annie, You’re right, Ed. How do we even know this guy is reliable? Jake, Reliable? Why you no good, dirty rotten, v-neck wearin’, son of a gun. With your flappin’ lips and pompous ass attitude! How do you know if I’m reliable? 

Ash, Listen, baby! I’m not just some preppy boy toy you can just push around, see. I killed that guy already! Annie, How can you be so heartless, so bad? Ash, Good…bad…I’m the guy with the gun. Annie, I still don’t know what you’re even doing here...

(Lots of music) ASH Groovy 

ASH Little did I know that day When I dropped off my resume At the local S-Mart store That another employee I'd fall for LINDA My job was in the check out aisle S-Mart service with a smile I hated work, it was a bore But all that changed when you wal...

Linda, Look who’s evil now! Scott, Ash! Kill her! She’s fuckin' evil! Cheryl, Kill her if you can, lover boy! Ash, Oh, forgive me Linda. I guess I gotta go what I gotta do… Linda, Oh, oh please don’t Ash… I’m fine now. LINDA I have to ask a que...

ASH Now it's time to die, you old hag! LINDA You found me beautiful once. ASH Honey, you got real ugly. I'm not a killer, I'm an S-Mart employee. And to kill a coworker Is against company policy. But you tried to kill me, So now I must say goodb...

CHERYL Can't you see? Why don't you believe? It won't let us leave It won't let us leave Listen to me Why do your eyes deceive? Finally believe It won't let us leave It won't let us leave 

ASH It’s time To fulfill my purpose In life We are born with a destiny It's time To accept my calling To go On a ravenous demon-killing spree It’s time to finally take a stand Fight with my stump and my good hand Stop talking trash And kick some de...

Cheryl: Why don't you just accept your fate and join us Ashly? Join us! Don't you wanna join the crew? You'll be dead and evil too. The coolest thing to do is join us. Your life sucks you know, working S-Mart's gotta blow. Don't be just a fucking shmo...

CHERYL Why have you disturbed our sleep? Awakened us from our ancient slumber? You will die! Nightmare is before you Like others before you, you're gonna tumble One by one We're gonna take you One by one Nothing you can do One by one You'll surely f...

JAKE: Goddamn you woman! You fucking stabbed me! Goddamn you woman! Do I look like a fucking zombie? Annie: It was a mistake! What can I do to prove I am sorry? Jake: Well, in the future I'd appreciate it if you could not fucking stab me! Goddamn you...

CHERYL. I don’t like sellers. Let’s just close it up. It’s probably just an animal. SCOTT. An animal. An animal. Hahahaha. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of, Jesus Christ, what a stupid bitch. CHERYL. Well, then maybe it was the wind. SCO...

ASH What? What?! No! No, it can’t be! You’re coming back to life. No. I killed you. I killed you all! You’re dead! CANDARIAN DEMONS You must realize We will never die We’re already dead We’ve died twice before But we’re back for more You can’t stop...

ASH AND SCOTT What the fuck was that? SCOTT Your sister has turned into a zombie ASH AND SCOTT What the fuck was that? ASH Your girlfriend was a demon too ASH AND SCOTT What the fuck was that? SCOTT She just ripped my pre-ripped Abercrombie A...