Bob Rivers

Utwory wykonawcy:

12 Pains Of Christmas

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry husband: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain...

Beat Up Old Jetliner

Goodbye to all my friends I've known And the travel agent I trusted. I'm riding along on this beat-up old plane; Look out the window. All the rivets are rusted. As that ground crew pushes us backwards On that rickety L-1011, I'm feeling around for that...

Bowel Moves

I was a little too stuffed, had to lose a few pounds, Pants too tight, seams bustin' out. Just had a big burrito with beans and rice, Salsa on top, with some extra spice, Lots of extra spice. Out there in the bathroom where the air gets heavy, Sat on th...

Californians Leavin'

All the land's been bought By some folks from LA Condos going on Each and every day I wish they'd all go home Go back from where they came Californians leavin' would really make my day They don't know how to drive Especially in the rain Well I flipp...

Cats In The Kettle

Did you ever think when you eat Chinese, It ain't pork or chicken, but a fat siamese, Yet the food tastes great, so ya don't complain, but that's not chicken in your chicken chow mein. Seems to me I ordered sweet and sour pork, But Garfield's on my fork,...

Don't Shoot Mr. Postman

Stop! Don't shoot; wait a minute Mr. Postman. Please put down that weapon Mr. Postman. Mr. Postman can this be? Oh no. Is that an Uzi in your bag I see? Please, please. You've been so quiet for such a long time. Oh no. Has lickin' stamps made you lose your m...

Feelin' Boobies

Don't want to sound too crass And please don't think I've got no class Just showing my testosterone Nothin's more fun than feelin' boobies Feelin' boobies Hello headlights how's it goin' You really got my juices flowin' Ain't no signs of gravity Nothi...

Frosty The Pervert

Frosty the pervert in a trench coat he did go to a the school yard to expose his dick and balls made of snow frosty the pervert all the kids he liked to watch his dick did grow when he packed snow on his cold and icy crotch there must have must have...

Getting Fatter All The Time

I'm getting fatter all the time. I used to be size 32 and I never gave. My jeans used to fit, I looked cool. Now I'm not the same. Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. And lately I can't see my shoes. I hate to admit, but I'm getting fatter, f...

How It Feels (To Be Old)

Lately all the songs I write Are slow and on the mellow side. I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. Let me get a tube of ointment Let's rub my achy joints, And turn my hearing aid loud, And throw Depends into the crowd. This mus...

I am Santa Claus

I am Santa Claus Ho ho ho ho ho Flying Through the snow Can you hear him ho ho ho He's so full of cheer only has to work one day a year Children in their beds Visions of sugar plums fill their heads So many kids out there Santa must be a billio...

I Used To Rock And Roll All Night

You loved us when the band was hot. And now we're gonna give it one more shot. We're gettin' old, We must be crazy. We're puttin' on the makeup again. It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin. You bring the bread, We'll make the gravy. You keep on standin', We'll...

I'm A Weight Watcher

I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a Weight Watcher, Watchin' food go by. My, my, my. I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a plate watcher. Here comes a cream pie Mmmm, mmm, mmm. I was just a boy When I tried to eat my toy. Couldn't reacy my toes To put my shoes on....

It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year

It's the most fattening time of the year With that pumpkin pie filling and everyone swilling down eggnog and beer It's the most fattening time of the year It's the lip smackingest season of all while your shopping you're cheating impulsively eating that junk...

Jingle Hells Bells

Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Like Guns N Roses with Axel Rose spittin' Ozzie's black eyes and the bats that he's bitten Big Marshall stacks and a broken E-string These are a few of my favorite things Ho Ho Ho Penthouse apartments and twelve in a hot tub Drinki...

Mr. magoo

Got a flat in Timbuktu Waiting for AAA And I saw that single headlight through the rain Flagged the geezer in the car down, He was going the wrong way We sped away and left rubber on all four lanes He pulled a quick u-turn, And hit a pickup from Montana...

O.j.'s trial thing

O.J., O.J. O.J., I think you did it. But I wanna know for sure. You expect people to believe that there are people actually playing golf at ten o' clock at night? Ya wanna know what I think? I think you're gonna get passed around like Madonna in an NBA lo...

Officer Fuhrman

He likes to set up colored people. He likes to frame the colored people. Officer Fuhrman driving through Brentwood At night with a glove in his bag, his evidence bag. Waits at the Bronco; opens the window To leave a few drops on the floor, a smudge on the doo...

Pokemon

Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do believe They think that you can magically pull one out of y...

Read It In The Tabloids

I bet you're wondering how I knew That Prince Charles and Lady Di were through. Was waiting in line at the grocery store. Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must say When I found out the Pope was gay. I read it in the tablo...

Sock on my cock

Jingle Bell Rock Parody (Suck on my cock) Stroke on my, lick on my, suck on my cock, It's the first time for you, so here's what you do, Unzip me, and strip me, and show me you care, Don't go rippin' out my pubic hair. Reach for my, grab for my, pull out...

The restroom door said gentleman

The restroom door said gentleman so I just walked inside, I took two steps and realized I've been taken for a ride. I heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied, By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse. What could be worse? Than two nuns, thr...

Walking Around In Women's Underwear

"Lacey things, the wife is missing. Didn't ask, for her permission I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose. Walking around in women's underwear. In the store, there's a teddy. With little straps, like spagetti. It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at n...

What If Eminem Did Jingle Bells

(Bob Rivers:) Yo, yo (Girl as Dina Rae:) Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingling all the way Oh what fun it is to ride Grab your coat, you'll sleep in late (Bob Rivers as Eminem:) It's just a white Christmas (hello my man) I'm leaving blood in the snow and smack...

What If God Smoked Cannabis?

If God had long hair, and a goatee. And if his eyes looked pretty glazed. If he looked spaced out. Would you buy his story? Would you believe he had an eye infection? And yeah, yeah, God looks baked. Yeah, yeah, God smells good. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

When A Man Loves A Chicken

When a man loves a chicken He can't keep his mind on nothin' else, He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found. If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong. Road Island Red is his best friend, he can't put her down. When a man wants a...

Who put the stump

I'd like to find the guy Who done me wrong And stuck my faget arse up On this Christmas tree. Who put the stump In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump? Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong? Who stood the wood Where I poop-she-poop-she-poop? Who put the stic...

Wrong Foot Amputated

Wrong foot amputated Wrong foot amputated He got the wrong foot amputated The doctor had compassion he tried to cure my disease I was sweating on the way to the op room gave me sedatives to put me at ease They put me on a gurney in a hospital gown They gave...

Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow!

Oh, the weather outside was whitening Til' the dog did something frightening He's got no other place to go Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snow And he doesn't show signs of stopping As he sniffs around his dropping You see him everywhere you go In the...

You Will, By Bright Eyes

you say i treat you like a bookon a shelf. i dont take you out that often cuz i know that i completed you and that is why you are here. that is the reason you stay here. how awful you must feel. you said you would be my dream. i could have you every night...